Rock Bottom
by Kara Jayne
Summary: North goes on a search for Connor when he disappears from the first annual tribute to those lost in the battle for freedom. What she doesn't realize she's about to learn is Connor's real standing in Jericho.


It's the one day of the year they all chose to spend together like this. Not mourning. Just telling stories, trying to smile for their lost comrades in battle. The last year hasn't been easy, despite gaining their independence. Judgement hasn't gone away yet. The "you don't belong here" looks continue, narrowed eyes sneering their way in speechless shoves that demand space between their flesh vs plastic bodies. It almost feels the same, except they don't get punished for innocence anymore.

Well, North supposes some things have changed. They're no longer punished for things that were never wrong before. Official signs – although some humans still tape up their own paper or cardboard ones – that ban androids from public places have been removed, banished from buildings. Her thoughts drift as she only semi-listens to Markus.

"John, I wish he could have been here with us. His sacrifice for my life meant more than I could ever express. For his generosity, he deserves more than anything to among us today. For a security guard, his heart was gentler than-" Markus continues.

But in all truth, she doesn't hear him anymore. She hears silence. Something – someone maybe – is missing. Lucy? No, she's beside Josh, who's longingly admiring her new found head of hair. At first offer, the physic turned down the offer for repair, but in the end, decided the change would help aid her integration into the world of freedom. Despite her remaining black molten eyes, the addition actually looks quite beautiful. The woman is a Goddess in lost times.

Looking left, right, back left again, North still feels an absence. There was someone here before that isn't now. Markus is still telling his stories when one particular phrase stands out. "And then Connor showed up…"

With a slight gasp, North realizes who's missing now. Connor… It was _really fucking_ hard getting him here tonight in the first place, bribery and all. She's not quite sure why he was so adamant about missing out on the day of tribute when he, too, had to fight for the rights they have today. His presence means something in a way she can't put into words. Connor and North, they both carry a trust in each other, and its taken months of persuading him to talk, even if by means of invisible blackmail questions about his past. It may have been a dirty move, but he spoke, and he still speaks, so it definitely did something good, broke a barrier he held so tight before.

It's not exactly abnormal for him to leave in the middle of things, though. She knows exactly when he's about to make an exit. His eyes blank out for a split second before a few involuntary rapid blinks (goodness, she's never known any android that did that, it's one of his quirks that's made him different from the rest) and once his attention comes back, he always promptly informs her. Typically, its turns out to be a call from the DPD or Hank, and that's okay because it's his _job_.

But today he didn't space out, didn't blink, didn't give her any reason for disappearing. Hell, he didn't even notify her before stepping out the door, and she's _always_ the first one he speaks to. Who does he think he is, just dipping out like this?! North looks back to Josh, who's become the story teller now, but just like with Markus, she can't hear him. All she can hear is the silence of Connor's disappearance.

He can't have gone too far. Maybe he thought that she wouldn't notice a quick errand out, but she _did_, and she needs to find him before the crickets in her mind drive her crazy. _God, since when did I become so reliant on him_, North chastises herself. She's supposed to be an independent woman, free and strong on her own. She doesn't need a man in her life, but here's Connor, unknowingly irritating her by just up and leaving. He should have realized she'd be expecting some notification.

Now it's she, too, who's slipping out of the crowded room quietly, undetected. North briskly makes her way to the office sector of New Jericho. It wouldn't be unlike Connor to work on a day like this. The damned workaholic can't seem to accept a day to relax for once and the time they do spend together is short spanned between law force and Jericho missions.

However, when she arrives at his desk, he isn't there. Everything is still in neat order and every device is turned off. With narrow eyes, she turns back to the door, but pauses just when her hand brushes the handle to open it again. Suspicion turns into confusion and a baffled expression takes over her. She shakes her head, unsure where her thoughts are going, and exits, leaving everything untouched.

A few more strides down nearby hallways, dim in a lack of light that tells her no one is there, reveals he's nowhere near any of the traffic work areas he resides in when on the clock. Has Connor really left without telling her good bye?

North sighs in defeat. She just gained his trust, and he… _Forget it_, she thinks. _They'll be wondering where I am too eventually_. Explaining herself isn't something she wants to have to do, so she turns back toward the convention room where the rest are gathered, choosing a longer, more winding path. She needs to cool herself down so she doesn't look so disappointed. There will be heads to collect if the rest of the crew even begins to ask what's wrong.

She turns to take a long hall that's sure to extend the time of her walk, but something catches her eye. A figure of another android, tall, lean, standing still as if to freeze in her presence. They look familiar, but they're hunched with their back turned her way, so she can't identify them. When North refuses to leave, they finally budge, turning to their left just enough to look at her from peripheral and reveal part of their face.

_So there he is…_

"Connor, I was looking all over for you. You left so quickly without-" North doesn't get a chance to finish the taunt she'd put together for him or beat some manners into him for leaving without a word.

"North, why did you follow me?" He doesn't even look her in the eyes; instead he keeps his gaze on the floor underneath his feet.

She means to answer him back with a retort, especially when he sounds so cold, but the dim, red glow just where his led resides becomes all too bothersome to ignore. The same red light reflects off the gun resting in his right hand. Now she's not even sure if he's looking at the floor or the weapon. North can't say she's ever seen him like this, and it's kind of scary and disheartening at the same time. She doesn't know how to handle stress like this from him, so she tries her best, weening herself into a heartfelt conversation that she's not even confident she can hold. "Connor… I was worried about you."

His hand with the gun held in drops a little, a small sign that he's still with her a little. "Well, you shouldn't be…. Your place is with them, telling stories about people you love. Not with me. Go, North, they're waiting for you."

"No, not without you, Connor," her inner child refuses, mentally stomping the ground. He's headstrong to make this go his way. If North has any chance of bringing him back, she has to be just as stubborn, so she stays grounded, ready to reject any logic he has to present.

Finally the detective turns forward to face her, led still just as crimson as it was before. "Then you're wasting your time."

"You're wrong. They accept you, Connor, they all do."

_A gut feeling tells her she's the only one who knows him beyond his title. After all, she's the only one who's here, the only one who sought him when he walked in, and the only one who noticed when he was gone again. _

"But do they, really? Do they, when they cower in fear at the sight of me? When they flee the room with some lame excuse?"

He's right, she can't deny it. They _do_ run. They send skeptic, panicked looks when he's in the vicinity. North wonders how many gazes his way he had to ignore when he was there with her as they spoke their tributes to loved ones. But they're all wrong. Deep down inside, he's a good person and she wishes she'd done more to express it.

Connor doesn't seem to believe it, though – probably hasn't for a long time - and for once, he's talking, _really talking_ from the bottom of his heart. All the things that dwells on his mind and makes him such a mystery pours out altogether. "Everything that happened, everyone's suffering, it's my entire fault… John… Daniel…" As the list of names goes, on his voice becomes shakier and shakier. "Hundreds… _thousands_ of them dead." Connor chokes out, almost unable to speak anymore. "Fuck, even Kara and Alice almost died because of me! Innocent lives, for what!? And all because I _existed_ on the ship they called home!"

"Connor, it wasn't your fault. The FBI, they-"

"No! I'm a curse to this world, North! It was ME that lead them to it! I was made to destroy deviants, and that's what I did. They didn't deserve it, all that blood shed for the sake of freedom! I should have died instead, should have failed and let myself get deactivated! Maybe then the soldiers would have never found them! What if one day you all die because of me, too?! _What if Amanda_…" Connor trails off and stops at the mention of the name.

North can't help but to ask. It's a risk, seeing as how he'd accidentally revealed one of his sorest spots, as told by the trail of his voice. There could be something to this that she needs to say, something that he needs to hear. "Amanda?"

"Markus almost died, too..." Connor's eyes turn into steel resolve as his voice turns clear again. "That day, when he made his speech in front of everyone after winning the battle. _She_ took over… _she_ forced me to lift my gun… Nobody saw, but I had to repress _her will_, had to escape that fate for you, for Markus, for the deviants, for _freedom_." Connor lifts the gun to his head and the barrel nearly aligns with his still-red led. "I refuse to give her the chance to win again."

North can't stop herself as her own eyes start brimming with tears. She bolts toward Connor before he can make another move, wrapping strong arms around him. "_She won't as long as I'm here, Connor, she won't!_"

The gun falls out of his hand and clatters onto the floor. His arms immediately wrap around her too as he buries his face into her shoulder, sobbing muffled words into her shirt. "_North,_ _I can't take any more of this! Why did they have to die?! I… I didn't mean to! It should have been me, it should have been me!_"

North is no victim of it herself, she holds absolutely no regrets for strangling that man in bed one day or the fight for freedom, but she's heard how brutal it is, survivor's guilt. Never once did she think about how Connor – or anybody else on Jericho for that matter– might have suffered from it. It dawns on her now how questions about his past as _the_ deviant hunter struck him so, and how long he probably held onto them, debating the answers he clearly wouldn't answer till now. What's even more frightening is that if she hadn't showed up, she may have never understood or known any of this at all.

There's little she can say or do right now other than let him get all the pain he's harbored out. As he falls weak to his knees on the floor, she does the same, never leaving his side, never separating from his hold as he continues to cry. North _does_ kick the gun further down the hall away from them, though, not wanting to remember the temptation he nearly gave into. As it comes to a stop, she notices Markus, Josh, and Simon step around the corner in front of her. Connor's too gone in his grief to notice the new audience.

The look in their eyes is just as heartbroken as she feels. Markus and Josh's eyes gloss over, but they silently blink it away before they're heard, afraid their presence may alarm Connor more than he needs in this state– Connor's opened up to _North_, so she's the one he needs right now. They don't need words to express what they've just discovered.

North understands the same, too. With a discrete wave of her hand, the trio turns around and disappears out of sight again.

Slowly, his sobs calm down, and North finds that he's a little more exhausted, mentally and physically, than he'd intended to be when he just lays his head loosely on her shoulder and relaxes his hold around her. "You mean a lot to me, Connor. So don't be so hard on yourself, okay?" Even though it's a lot easier said than done. Still, it feels like the right thing to say. "We can go somewhere else if you want to. The others might come around soon." She says this knowing they already have, but it's still comfort to his ears, noted by the minute nod he gives in return.

"Keep the gun, _please, North… keep the gun_… or else I might…" Connor begs, desperation wavering in his voice and words.

It hurts to hear it, but he speaks the truth. He's hit rock bottom and a loaded weapon is the last thing he needs in his hand tonight. "Consider it done," she responds, fully committed to do whatever it takes to keep Connor in the world with her. She _will_ help him find himself and his happiness again. She's determined to help him learn to forgive himself and see that he's valuable. But for now, she just needs to protect him from the thoughts that linger.

Finally he sits up and releases himself from their embrace, brown eyes flitting back and forth between the floor and her. North can't blame him for not wanting to look her in the eyes. She, too, hates being seen when she's feeling that low. At least she can find some relief in seeing the red change to yellow.

"Thank you… thank you for coming to find me."


End file.
